Let it flow…. can you feel it kicking?
The emotional tap is definitely switched on and flowing….. Is this really like being pregnant?
So, I mentioned previously how the emotions were heightened and boy is that true. I can say the emotional tap is definitely flowing right now and I can’t see how it will turn off anytime soon. I have always been someone who was not afraid to show their emotions but this is like something else!
Have had a wonderful week catching up with friends, colleagues and loved ones and this has only helped to really drive home the reality of what is about to happen and just how special, scary, magical and life-changing this is about to become. More about self-care later in the week
On talking it through with a close friend and just how I am coping and feeling right now, she made a valid point. “Matt, it’s like you pregnant. Think about it!” I hadn’t thought of it in this way until she said this. Looking at how things have changed with me in the last four weeks I can kind of see her point. Here are some of the changes:
Body Clock reset – As mentioned previously my body clock has now morphed from me being someone who could sleep for England, to someone who now wakes up, wide awake at 5-6 am and can’t get back to sleep. Ping my mind goes off and I start thinking about it all. What are the boys doing right now? How are they? Have their had their family goodbyes? I hope they are ok. Then it flips over to other matters – changing my car, ordering the furniture for both of their rooms, child-proofing the house, (yes that whisky needs to be moved), How will the meetings with foster carers, medical team, early attachment teams and ultimately the final Matching Panel go? What will introductions be like? How will it be for the boys? How can we hep them fully with this transition? And the list goes on and on and on. I am now up, awake and doing work emails, excel data and anything to keep me sane.
Connection – Since that wonderful activity when we met the boys that connection has been there and gosh is it strong. We were so lucky to have met them in that way and to have had that time together but that was two months ago now and this strong connection hasn’t faded. In fact it has strengthened. This is a good sign. I can honestly say I fell in love with them that day and like a father to be, or a mother expecting, I can’t stop thinking about them and the connection we have.
Energy levels – Various friends who have become parents have told me that in the last month or so you get this massive surge of energy. It’s almost like nature is giving you a boost and a real chance to prep for what is about to come. Well that is me right now. Despite not having been able to have a decent nights sleep for over six weeks, despite feeling totally exhausted – my brain seems to be working on overdrive thinking about everything, focusing us on what we need to do and helping to prepare for this amazing journey. If you’d asked me 6 months ago, how would you feel if you had no sleep for such a long period of time but had to face all of this. I would have said I couldn’t cope. But you know what, I can and we are. This all-encompassing journey we are on feels right and we are driving ahead.
Emotional wreck – having confessed previously to crying at the likes of Hollyoaks and Bake Off, well now I am crying at anything. We went to see Charlie and the Chocolate Factory The Musical for the second time on Saturday night. I was crying when the bloody overture started! This adorable boy was sat behind us with his parents and all he kept saying was “WOW, that was amazing. WOW look at that.” With such passion, energy and new found enjoyment that only children have. All I could think was, ” I can’t wait for the day that we are sat there with our boys and they too are in this magical world and are allowed to be kids again.” I was blubbing throughout and when Charlie and Wonker got into the Glass Elevator and Pure Imagination was played I cried more than Augutus Gloop’s mum when he gets sucked up the chocolate river pipe. I just keep projecting our life forward and what I see excites me and makes me so happy to be able to provide these boys with what they need. Love, nurturing, curiosity, consistency and to know we will always be there.
Nest building -Not only are we in overdrive to get the boys rooms ordered, ready and built, I am also looking at all other parts of our home and building a home and nest ready for our new arrivals. I’ve changed my car this week, saying goodbye to my dream sports car, bought a kitchenaid, so that me and the boys can do some baking and have fun and have changed lots of areas in the house. I keep walking past what will be their rooms and walking in, pretending they are there asleep, safe and loved.
Scatty-brained – I have gone from someone who can normally find their words easily and have a good solid conversation to someone who struggles to find even the simplest of words and quite often forgets their train of thought. Maybe this is due to the lack of sleep and so many other thoughts occupying my grey matter right now.
Wish lists – I know I shouldn’t but I have filled my Amazon account with a wish list just for the boys. When I think of something I put it in there as I know when they are here I will have forgotten what on earth it was. These range from random things like sticker books and reading games to stamp kits and creative play. It’s hard not to do this, hard not to get excited as in the back of my mind I know there is a chance, and we are told only very slight one, that this might not happen. But you know what, I don’t care and we are enjoying this getting excited stage. We are not going to get this part of our life back or to create these feelings and I am just gonna ride this roller coaster.
So all in all the only thing I am missing right now are swollen ankles and sore breasts!!!
The rest of these strange feelings and symptoms link me closely to someone who is pregnant. You may read this and think what a load of tosh! He’s bonkers. Maybe I am, maybe I always have been, but this excitement about the life we are going to have and are going to give these boys is consuming me right now……. and boy do I LOVE it !